Good Ones

Just to give you an insight to what usually happens Thursday fifth period, when Sharon and I have the staff base to ourselves:

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??
The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next, fatty".

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading. Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies: "I think you'll find, that is a sheep." Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on $800 a year".

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
2 litres of low fat milk
2 litres of orange juice
A carton of eggs
A head of lettuce
Half a dozen tomatoes
A 500g jar of coffee
A 250g pack of bacon
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The Drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Neandertal Newsflash

Do you know these kind of people ... massive skulls with pea-sized brains in them? I've got one of those right here, across the hall.
Everytime I think he can't possibly say anything that is more stupid or unreflected ... he does!

It all started with his tirade about how gay guys (in general) don't respect lesbians (as such) because the latter don't have proper sex (because obviously sex and penetration are the same), just all that emotional stuff and, erm, what's the word, right: foreplay.
It left me with an all time big YeahManWha'Ever on my lips and my head automatically shaking whenever he opened his mouth.

Then last week I asked him to clean the bathroom we share because he never once did it in all the time I live here. What I got was "I've never done it in the three years I live here, I'm not starting now because I don't mind it being dirty and generally speaking cleaning the bathroom (or anything for that matter, Anm.d.Red) is just something I don't do."
Right. What happened to living together with people is a commitment and it's not like cleaning is my favourite pastime but you just have to do it and all that Grown Ups Stuff?

My latest fave is him thinking the best time to wash the laundry in a building with paper thin walls is five in the morning. Guess how I found out about this newest twist of his mind...

So. Could somebody send him back to Neandertal and hit him over the head with a big heavy wooden club or a dinosaur's thigh bone? I'll pay.

Wedding is everywhere

For example just down the road from my flat, opposite the pear tree:


And right next to that:


Good to see the world is nicely balanced everywhere...
Cheerio, babes!

Things I definitely definitely WON'T miss

Numero Uno:
This horrible horrible "Sheila's Wheels" advert.
"For Ladies who insure their caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaars,
Sheila's Wheels are superstaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaars -
women make the safer drivers, we can safe a bunch of fivers -
for bonzer car insurance deeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaals
girls get on to Sheila's Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeels!"

Deine Mudder, eh; safer drivers my ass, you bitches in your horrible pink dresses with your horrible blond hairdoes trying to redo your lipstick while driving, aarrr-r-r-r-gh!!!
If ever I see Sheila on the Street I'll run her over with my truck. Twice.
And what the heck do you mean by bonzer, anyway?

Der Feiiiiiind! Mach sie tot!!!

Paranoia Galore

I know this country is over careful in dealing with its citizens' potential stupidity; browsing through the products on the supermarkets' shelves or just keepin an eye open in general, one can find plenty of evidence for that.
The authorities advise their subjects not to drink more than 3 units of alcohol (men), respectively 2 units (women) per day, to be aware of "elderly people" crossing the street, to be a considerate driver at all times and to remember that "Edinburgh is not an ashtray - stub it and bin it".
They direct the consumers attention to the fact that peanut butter contains nuts and that, aufgemerkt, milk contains milk and that, if you're not being careful, you're gonna fucking die.
After all this raising awareness frenzy, it's nice to see the authorities being reassuring at times:

Celebrated St Patrick's Day

Now all I need is a bucket of camomile tea and a nice cottage pie. ... Waiter...!!! Over an out.

Just in case you're wonderin'...

...this is where we're going in four weeks' time:

Things I am going to miss (part two)

1. TV programmes called things like "Fat Pets", "The Woman With The 1000 Organsms a Day" or "Plastic Surgery Live"


2. Sharon and her extraordinaryly delightening gossiping in the ModLan Staffbase (preferred subjec: Guidance teacher McDonald or Fattie from Downstairs:)


3. Having conversations with the Lady in fake french accent.

Psychological studies in the kitchenlab

Talking shoes today after work, Pav confirmed what we all suspected:
I have a male brain.
That's why I find pink converse with silvery bits on 'em disgusting but on the other hand am able to park a car.
(That's me in my "ugly italian guy with moustache" outfit after parking said car.)
Weell. Took the Pav a while to find THAT out, though.
Also I seem to have male hands.
The rest of me, let me assure you, is still pretty much girl.
(But, after all, I prefer my car UNparked, don't I?!)

Reality and her sledgehammer

Oh, deary me, it's starting already. Talking to Sharon I realized that ist's only two and a half months to go! When school starts again after the easter break that I'm currently planning, its gonna be a mere six weeks till unemployment and uni calling. This is all still pretty remote, though, but this afternoon, Amit told me that he is already looking for my replacement.
TERROR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So in order to prepare myself and to savour every bit of the remaining time, I herby start a new blog series to be upheld regularly forthwith.
Eheheheheeeem... I present:

Things I'm going to miss (part one):

1. the Reporting Scotland anchorman.
...dunno why. Like his voice and he reminds me of somebody. I just never figured out whom.

2. Having Arthurs Seat literately in front of my doorstep and knowing I could climb it every day for the exercise and the view. ... and never doing it.

3. Minute Maid Orange Juice.
It's just molto delicioso.

4. Dick and Dom in da Bungalooooooow!
Saturday morning kids tv show. They have games like "Make Dick Sick" or "The Baby Race" or trying to put stickers the size of caravans with their faces on it on other people's backs without them noticing. And they speak in silly voices and pull faces. Come to think about it, it's like Sprenglkiez, just without touching, in "the Queen's English" and with more kids.

5. Tesco micro wave curry.
After a day at school when you're too nackered to cook and too hungry not to, it is just unbeatable... gimme more of that shite...

6. Rugby!!
Although Scotland lost today...

...series to be continued.

Na bitte, es geht doch!

Thursday again! Which means Advanced Highers before I leave the place for my well earned weekend.
Normally I have quite a bit of trouble getting something german out of these guys. But today, the new Head teacher unknowingly helped me achieve my goal by looking through the window in the door into my classroom.
Daniel: "Look, the new Head Teacher!"
Andrew (in beautiful german): "Er ist eine Votze."
Aehhhh...jap. I asked them to bring me some STRONG alcohol next week.

Call me Slideshow Bob

Lady Galeano Gimenez and I went to Stirling (the Stirling as in Pound Stirling) the other day. It is a nice place full of history as for example the battle of Bannockburn in 1314. King Robert the Bruce, William Wallace and Rob Roy all got a connection to Stirling.
And this is Stirling Castle:

There are many rooms, a real throne reception hall thingy, plenty of cobblestones and fantastic views.

Stirling wouldn't be Stirling without the Wallace Monument, which looks like that:


And guess who THAT is:

Mel Gibson! Fredoooooooooooooooooooooom! (I especially like the surplus head next to his left foot.)

The Wallace Monument sits on a hill and up there it was quite sunny:


But also really windy - and the evening brought quite a chill.


We held out all the same and watched this lovely nature spectacle: sunset over Gargunnock and, in fact, though you might not see it, Loch Lomond:


I really am into landscapes and that, so here's another one. Note the thistle-shaped bannister:


When dusk had come, we climbed down the hill and made our way back to town, crossing this 16. Century bridge that sits on the same spot as Stirling Bridge, as in the battle of that name ... another one of those William Wallace things, dont'cher know. (Again, that's the castle up on that hill in the background.)


And by nightfall ... it had grown dark - and the night covered Stirling in a thick black velvet cold.


It had been a beautiful but long day...

March is the new April

As it was my day off yesterday and I was able to sleep in until Sankt Nimmerleinstag, of course I awoke at eight in the morning. And this is not the dizzy I'll-just-turn-around-and-start-snoring-again type of awakness, nono, we're talking about the wide awake, ready to take over the world kind of awakeness. Shit.
So I turned on the radio, just in time to hear Robin Galloway talking about "sunny spells, no snow, maximum temperatures of 5".
"Fine", I thought, "I might just as well go outside and take a walk." It was beautiful and sunny indeed, so I took the bus to go to, wossname, Craiglockhart to walk down the Water of Leith Walkway to Colinton and the proceed as far towards Balerno as I could, a stretch of the Walkway that I didn't know yet.
Of course, Murphy rides beside me, and by the time I got off the bus, it was grey and cloudy. But I didn't let that put me off walking. After about 20 Minutes, it startet to snow gently. And then a bit more.
(voll der Schnee, ey)
And the even more.
When I had reached Colinton, the little white flakes had devellopped into a fully blown blizzard.
The snow was blowing vertically into my face and every crevice of my clothing. So I decided to go back home. By bus. Which operates every half hour. Guess how long I had to wait.
When the bus finally came (and I've almost never been so thankful for one of those), Craiglockhart, along with the rest of the town, had transformed into Minsk, and meself into a living Snowman.

Now I have to tell you that people here aren't really used to snow. You get it in the Highlands, where it has been the worst winter in 40 years, but here in the Central Belt, we saw snow for about two days in December and that's it.
So people startet throwing slushballs at each other, at buses, houses, lamp posts, old women with dogs and what have you.
Luckily I was in the bus.
Or should I say unluckily...
As you know, Edinburgh is not the most ... even of towns. There is your occasional hill, mountain, ascend here and there, and while some people might consider it unpleasant to go up a steep hill on a narrow road in the bus in good weather conditions, driving to the city centre in fresh snow is downright frightening. The wheels didn't have any grip any more and we were sliding around on the street. I grew at leat 3 grey hairs, I'm sure.
People took their sleds and toboggans out to what was by then hardly an icing of snow (wahaaaa, a pun, a pun!) on Arthur's Seat. (The stuff melts pretty quickly, don'tcher know.)
The Lady was in overwhelmed excitement and kept me from cooking dinner by dragging me out in the open to get some ot the snow in me shoes.
But on the other hand, it IS beautiful in't it? Look you here:

So, that's what happens to Edinburgh when Frau Holle takes her mid-season break in Scotland.
And what do I do? What I do best. Pull a face and be amazed...